Christopher Walken Acts Shaky & Confused As Ozzy Osbourne
November 9th, 2006 at 15:00 by Stuart Heritage

To many youngsters these days, Ozzy Osbourne is nothing more than the stumbling wreck of a man who can’t work VCRs and bellows "Sharon!" at the screeching moronic woman from X Factor all the time, thanks to The Osbournes.

But Ozzy Osbourne doesn’t just absent-mindedly stammer about being the Prince Of Darkness for no reason – in his prime Ozzy Osbourne was the definition of rock and roll excess. You kids might not know it now, but you’ll see when Motley Crue’s staggeringly outrageous autobiography The Dirt is turned into a movie in 2008. You’ll see what classic-era Ozzy Osbourne was capable of, or at least you’ll see what mental-haired, oddly-inflecting Hollywood weirdo Christopher Walken makes of him, since it’ll be Christopher Walken who’ll get to play Ozzy Osbourne in The Dirt movie. But if you think that’s a strange choice, just be thankful that nobody let Jon Effing Culshaw take the role.

It’s weird to think that Ozzy Osbourne is the least famous Osbourne these days. While Ozzy’s been limiting himself to Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame appearances, wife Sharon Osbourne has been taking all the limelight by annoying Iron Maiden, being a judge on X Factor, getting voted as the world’s best Mum, winning hearts with those Asda adverts, presenting her chatshow drunk, writing tell-all autobiographies and calling Mother Teresa an "ugly old cunt." Meanwhile Kelly Osbourne is getting famous for being caught in a housefire and even Jack Osbourne is more famous than Ozzy Osbourne these days, and he’s only got a rubbish TV show on digital.

So the time is right for someone to show the world what Ozzy Osbourne used to be like, and by ‘someone’ we mean Christopher Walken, as Femalefirst reports:

Christopher Walken is to play Ozzy Osbourne in a new film. The ‘Batman Returns’ actor has a brief role as the wild rocker in ‘The Dirt’, which follows the career and outrageous antics of US heavy metal band Motley Crue. In one scene Walken recreates Ozzy’s famous ant-snorting stunt, in which he hovered up a line of the insects mistakenly thinking they were cocaine. Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil lifted the lid on Walken’s part in the film, telling ABC News Radio: "How funny is that going to be?"

As much as we’re already foaming at the mouth with anticipation about seeing Christopher Walken play Ozzy Osbourne, he’ll have his work cut out if he wants to steal the show during The Dirt, since it’s based around one of the best, most outrageous rock and roll books ever written. Penned by the members of Motley Crue, The Dirt details the band’s exploits at their wildest. Since recent Motley Crue stunts involving suing NBC for not being allowed to swear and actually exploding themselves onstage are positively tame in comparison, that’s got to be some pretty wild behaviour. Also lined up for cameos in The Dirt are Val Kilmer and Dave Lee Roth.

We can’t wait to see what Christopher Walken brings to the table as Ozzie Osbourne though; as well as being the punchline to a sick joke about the man who used to play Superman, Christopher Walken has gained legendary status for his unswerving ability to play Christopher Walken in every single role he’s ever had.

This is going to be weird, isn’t it?