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For some reason these just make me think of Robert and his Nordic Death Metal. This is probably very old, but made me laugh.
I also can’t remember the swearing policy on here, and have tried to remove all the f’s and replace with fun.
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and FUNS the princess.POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and FUNS her.FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave…without the princess.VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, FUNS the princess and kills her, then leaves.BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, FUNSthe princess and kills her.Then he FUNS the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he FUNS the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and FUNS it for the last time.GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell’s eternity.PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for who did it.CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to ‘thank’ the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage."GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.[metal metal metal
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METAL
"im lisa " wrote:i saw that documentary on vh1 i think.. it suckedHeadbangers Journey sucked? Eh. Well I have a personal (amateur) interest in (musical) anthropology so I found it pretty interesting. They had a lot of ground to cover, and it was intended to be for "outsiders" to see metal, from the inside. So they couldn’t cover everything in detail. From that perspective, I thought it was interesting. I Wish they had the same thing for metal/hardcore as they did with those series documentary on the blues. You know, the one Martin Scorsese directed. That would be most excellent.
Great post. Funny stuff.
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